My Past? Well, it isn't something that I'm proud of. Most of you have already read about my rebellious years, so I won't repeat it. However, one thing I didn't write about is how important it is to allow God to redeem that part of your life.
Sometimes this seems impossible because when I think of the things I have done it makes me ill. The poor decisions, the heartache, the ex-boyfriends, some illegal things, the list goes on and on. I could justify my actions by saying I was young and stupid…the truth is I knew better and I chose to do it anyway.
Even early in my marriage, I think about who I was and how I treated my husband. That really makes me ill. How my man still loves me today is seriously beyond me. He deserved so much better. I guess, from past relationships, I learned how to protect my heart. No other man had ever been honest and faithful. I gave myself to them and they hurt me. Therefore, thinking that my husband would eventually hurt me the same way, I decided I would never let him completely in. I would not let him control me and I would do things my way.
I became a mother and these little lives depended on me to have it all together. I was so young and selfish. When they were babies, I missed so many moments that could have been sweet memories, but I was consumed with my own life. I couldn't see my children as gifts from God because they were so demanding all the time. I felt overwhelmed and wanted them to hurry and get older so I could get back to my life. I know what you're thinking, what kind of mother feels that way?
Then there is my relationship with God. Sure, I had been a Christian my whole life and was one who lived in church. As far as experiencing God for myself, that kinda freaked me out. Living a sold-out life for God didn't seem that appealing to me. It was too much sacrifice. I wanted to have fun, not live by a bunch of rules that were impossible to comply with.Plus, I had messed up so badly, how could God really use me?
I lived my life as if my past were my present. I carried around all those things, never really allowing God to redeem that part of my life. Being ashamed just seemed easier, less messy. I knew that if I released that part of myself to God it would require me to deal with some ugly stuff and I just didn't want to rehash old issues. I wanted to forget about the ugliness and just move on.
What is interesting is that God had more for me than me carrying around old burdens. He had things for me to do and in order to get there I had to shed a few pounds of dead weight. I had to stop being a prisoner of my past and really allow God’s grace to cover it and make me whole.
You see, Satan used my past against me and made me believe that I wasn't worthy of anything good. What could I do for God with a past like mine? It's one of Satan's greatest distractions, convincing us that we could never do anything good enough for God's kingdom because of our past. Satan would love nothing more than to have you dwell on the past so much that you miss all the things God has for you in the future.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18, 19 NIV) He is making a way through your past regardless of how badly you've messed up. He wants to do a new thing with your future.
You may ask why is it so important to let God redeem your past. Because it’s our only hope for walking in victory in the future. God's redeeming love is the only thing that can cover our past and make us completely whole again. If we continue to allow our past to have a say in our lives, we won't be able to experience the freedom in Christ, which He gave His life for.
Do I wish I could have made better decisions in my past? Do I wish that I had not been so selfish and had been a better wife and mother? Sure, but do I regret it? Absolutely not! Because, had I not made mistakes, I would have never met my Savior and experienced the power of His redeeming love...true redemption!
I am now a woman who has said "YES" to God’s plan for my life. I have experienced true freedom and I am living a sold-out life for God. I'm able to be a wife who loves and respects her husband. I am now a mother who loves her children to pieces and cherishes every minute of their lives. God is so faithful!
I don't know your story, but your God does. All your pain, guilt, bad decisions, insecurities, all your fears, He knows. Your past is your story. You can’t change it, but it does not make you and it certainly does not define who you are. Your identity is in Christ alone. Allow Him into your past and let Him redeem those broken places. There is hope for something new so don't let the past rob you of all the good things God has planned for your future!
Love,
Charlyn
